Three Years Later

I got home today and remembered to open the day 2 of my Harry Potter Christmas Advent Calendar. I went to open it up and realized what day it was: December 2nd. Three years ago was my very first group therapy session for DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). DBT is a year-long treatment program that consists of weekly individual therapy sessions and weekly group sessions to learn skills. Thinking about group brought me back to the dark place that I was in 3 years ago, and all of the hard, painful, and emotional moments that I have experienced since then.

Driving up to my first DBT group session I was extremely anxious. I didn't have the same support system in place that I do now. I hadn't told too many people yet about my diagnosis (hey there, Allison!) and I had absolutely no idea what to expect. For therapy, I had to see a special therapist who specializes in treating Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and DBT. Unfortunately, there aren't too many therapists out there and God knew exactly which therapist I needed in my life. I have never seen God's hand in my life more than when I was finding my incredibly patient, talented, and loving therapist. But, like I said, not too many therapists in Utah will even treat BPD. My therapist was practicing in Salt Lake at the time and that night I had to make an hour long journey to some random classroom at a university up there. I had no idea where I was going... and there was legitimately a full-on blizzard to top it off.

An hour late to group and tired after a long week (plus don't forget completely anxious), I finally arrived at group. I walked through an abandoned campus and feared that I was being led into a death-trap (which in some ways, it sure felt that way!). Group was held that night in a bare room minus a couple plastic folding tables and metal chairs. I walked in and looked around the room, instantly feeling extremely self-conscious. I had NO clue what I was getting into. The thing is, usually with DBT, you do some pre-treatment sessions to basically familiarize yourself with some of the DBT concepts before throwing you into the deep end. I didn't have that chance because of the timeline of the group module dates. So blindly, stupidly, naively, I jumped.

I sat alone at the end of the table and didn't say a word. I just about cried when my therapist asked me to introduce myself. I looked around and felt completely out of place. I didn't know what the expectation was for participation and I was totally out of my element. They all seemed like best friends and I was the awkward outsider. I didn't know these people, how was I supposed to talk about my most personal struggles with mental illness, an illness I didn't really even understand?! Plus, there's all sorts of DBT lingo that I didn't know yet. It felt like I was drowning and there wasn't a lifeguard to jump in to save me.

Luckily for me, things got *slightly* better after that. We moved to an office a little closer to Provo and I started to get the hang of things. The lingo came with time and even though it took about a month for me to say more than two words in group- I eventually became fluent in DBT-ese. I knew the skills like the back of my hand. They were engrained in me. However, ask anyone who knew me at the time of group- I absolutely LOATHED going. I started drinking soda (and never stopped) just to get me through group. It was hard every. single. week.

I was blessed to meet some incredibly strong people who have overcome so much. I grew to know these people better than I knew myself, and they knew me. We laughed together, we got angry together (sound-ball anyone?), and we cried together. Even though I haven't kept up with those relationships, I will always have a connection to the people that witnessed so much of the change in who I am and played a big role in my recovery.

*******

It's surreal that it was only three years ago. It has been such a journey for me and I have gone through so much in an attempt to manage my mental health. I still struggle with Borderline... on the daily. I still feel things strongly, I still feel insecure, and I still fear abandonment. I still struggle with urges and don't always know who I'm "supposed" to be. But when you look to where I was then versus now, I almost don't resemble that person who I once was. I need to do better at practicing skills. I need to be more aware of my emotions. I have gotten out of the habit and don't pull skills out as fluently. But the skills I do have in my repertoire have gotten me where I am and help me get through every day.

As much as I hate DBT, wise mind, dialectical thinking, radical acceptance, and Marsha Linehan, I am also extremely for the life worth living it has helped me to slowly build... even on the days I don't always feel that way.