One Year

One year ago today I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Even though the diagnosis scared me and I had very little understanding of what that meant, it was a relief. For years I had been trying to express that something bigger was going on. Despite a diagnosis of depression and anxiety, there was something deeper-rooted. I was often dismissed as being dramatic. People would tell me that this was normal for people my age and that I would grow out of it, like a toddler grows out of the terrible twos. I can remember describing these experiences- emotional chaos and intensity, feeling disconnected from myself, paranoid thoughts, spiraling thought processes- and people would try to explain them away. I always felt this urge to scream “NO, THIS ISN’T NORMAL!!”.

I felt trapped because nobody could see that there was some serious chaos going on inside my brain. People couldn’t see the over-analyzing of conversations for DAYS afterwards or the paralyzing panic over possibly making a mistake. It felt like my emotions were bouncing around like a pinball machine and there was never any respite. My whole world was crashing down around me and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. Because I could function and be successful in college, people dismissed my fears of instability/ insanity as stress and hormones. What was lost on them were the hours I spent worrying over assignments (without even starting them), impulsive decisions, panic over the possibility of getting less than a 4.0, or the build-up it would take for me to go out and be around people. They couldn’t see how difficult it was to get up in the mornings or how long it took for me to fall asleep. All they saw was the facade of a “normal”, functioning, and successful human. People assumed that my insides matched my outsides.

In a little over a week, it will be 1 year since I started seeing my incredible therapist and began Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). While most people know I’ve been in therapy, only a few people know that for the past year, I have been going to therapy 2-3 times a WEEK in order to retrain how my brain works. In just a few months, I will be graduating from that therapy and will just be doing maintenance sessions (YAY!). It has been an incredibly difficult year (I feel like I say that often; yay for mental illness!) full of an intense spectrum of emotions. I am extremely proud of myself for the time, money, and effort I’ve invested in addressing my disorder. It hasn’t been easy in any way, but it is worth it. These symptoms haven’t disappeared since being diagnosed and going to therapy. However, they have become more manageable and I have learned how to cope in more effective ways. I’ve learned to accept that my life will consist of emotional ups and downs and I have learned to embrace the days where things are more stable. I’ve learned to take time for myself when it’s needed so that I don’t burn myself out. I’ve learned to rely on others more and let people see past the mask. Being aware of my disorder and symptoms has made it less scary and has helped give me the words to express what I’m experiencing. 

BPD is a disorder that often begins around puberty and increases in intensity through adulthood. Even though nearly 6% of American adults are diagnosed with BPD, there is an extreme stigma surrounding the disorder with both the general public AND within the mental health community. When I was first being diagnosed, I had to demand that my original therapist (not my current one!) go through the diagnostic criteria because he didn’t think I was “manipulative or dramatic enough” to have Borderline. When I presented with all nine criteria to some degree (only 5 are needed for diagnosis), he was incredulous. BPD is considered one of the top 3 most stigmatized mental illnesses, along with schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder, because people with the disorder can often present symptoms in socially unacceptable or extreme ways. When you look it up online, there are all sorts of blogs and forums where people just bash on people with Borderline Personality Disorder. While not every person with BPD engages in these behaviors or presents these symptoms in exactly the same way, these behaviors have a reason. I’ve been lucky enough to find people who love me through my disorder and help encourage me when I am working on change. I know it isn’t always easy to understand mental illness, but imagine what it’s like living with one! I can see myself doing things, thinking things, or believing things that I KNOW DON’T MAKE SENSE, and yet… It’s discouraging and confusing to say the least.

Although I don’t feel like I am completely where I want to be, I am closer to being myself than I have been in years. My thinking is clearer, my fears are more rational, and I make decisions that move me closer to my goals. I recognize myself more and more with time and therapy- the person who I was before the mental illness started fully presenting. The incredible thing about BPD is that there is a therapy specifically designed for the disorder (DBT). Patients who participate in this type of therapy have been shown to decrease symptoms. 90% of patients who complete treatment no longer meet criteria only 5 years later. I’m so glad that I am taking care of this now instead of waiting for it to increase in severity throughout my life. I honestly don’t regret any of it because I have a deeper understanding of myself and my brain. I recognize when I am more susceptible to spiraling and I work hard to buffer my emotions during those times. Of all the things I've learned, what I’ve learned most is that we have to be our own advocate. We know if our thoughts and behaviors aren’t totally adding up. We know if we don’t feel normal. We have to advocate for change, and we can't be ashamed when we need help to get us there.