One Year

One year ago today I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Even though the diagnosis scared me and I had very little understanding of what that meant, it was a relief. For years I had been trying to express that something bigger was going on. Despite a diagnosis of depression and anxiety, there was something deeper-rooted. I was often dismissed as being dramatic. People would tell me that this was normal for people my age and that I would grow out of it, like a toddler grows out of the terrible twos. I can remember describing these experiences- emotional chaos and intensity, feeling disconnected from myself, paranoid thoughts, spiraling thought processes- and people would try to explain them away. I always felt this urge to scream “NO, THIS ISN’T NORMAL!!”.

I felt trapped because nobody could see that there was some serious chaos going on inside my brain. People couldn’t see the over-analyzing of conversations for DAYS afterwards or the paralyzing panic over possibly making a mistake. It felt like my emotions were bouncing around like a pinball machine and there was never any respite. My whole world was crashing down around me and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. Because I could function and be successful in college, people dismissed my fears of instability/ insanity as stress and hormones. What was lost on them were the hours I spent worrying over assignments (without even starting them), impulsive decisions, panic over the possibility of getting less than a 4.0, or the build-up it would take for me to go out and be around people. They couldn’t see how difficult it was to get up in the mornings or how long it took for me to fall asleep. All they saw was the facade of a “normal”, functioning, and successful human. People assumed that my insides matched my outsides.

In a little over a week, it will be 1 year since I started seeing my incredible therapist and began Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). While most people know I’ve been in therapy, only a few people know that for the past year, I have been going to therapy 2-3 times a WEEK in order to retrain how my brain works. In just a few months, I will be graduating from that therapy and will just be doing maintenance sessions (YAY!). It has been an incredibly difficult year (I feel like I say that often; yay for mental illness!) full of an intense spectrum of emotions. I am extremely proud of myself for the time, money, and effort I’ve invested in addressing my disorder. It hasn’t been easy in any way, but it is worth it. These symptoms haven’t disappeared since being diagnosed and going to therapy. However, they have become more manageable and I have learned how to cope in more effective ways. I’ve learned to accept that my life will consist of emotional ups and downs and I have learned to embrace the days where things are more stable. I’ve learned to take time for myself when it’s needed so that I don’t burn myself out. I’ve learned to rely on others more and let people see past the mask. Being aware of my disorder and symptoms has made it less scary and has helped give me the words to express what I’m experiencing. 

BPD is a disorder that often begins around puberty and increases in intensity through adulthood. Even though nearly 6% of American adults are diagnosed with BPD, there is an extreme stigma surrounding the disorder with both the general public AND within the mental health community. When I was first being diagnosed, I had to demand that my original therapist (not my current one!) go through the diagnostic criteria because he didn’t think I was “manipulative or dramatic enough” to have Borderline. When I presented with all nine criteria to some degree (only 5 are needed for diagnosis), he was incredulous. BPD is considered one of the top 3 most stigmatized mental illnesses, along with schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder, because people with the disorder can often present symptoms in socially unacceptable or extreme ways. When you look it up online, there are all sorts of blogs and forums where people just bash on people with Borderline Personality Disorder. While not every person with BPD engages in these behaviors or presents these symptoms in exactly the same way, these behaviors have a reason. I’ve been lucky enough to find people who love me through my disorder and help encourage me when I am working on change. I know it isn’t always easy to understand mental illness, but imagine what it’s like living with one! I can see myself doing things, thinking things, or believing things that I KNOW DON’T MAKE SENSE, and yet… It’s discouraging and confusing to say the least.

Although I don’t feel like I am completely where I want to be, I am closer to being myself than I have been in years. My thinking is clearer, my fears are more rational, and I make decisions that move me closer to my goals. I recognize myself more and more with time and therapy- the person who I was before the mental illness started fully presenting. The incredible thing about BPD is that there is a therapy specifically designed for the disorder (DBT). Patients who participate in this type of therapy have been shown to decrease symptoms. 90% of patients who complete treatment no longer meet criteria only 5 years later. I’m so glad that I am taking care of this now instead of waiting for it to increase in severity throughout my life. I honestly don’t regret any of it because I have a deeper understanding of myself and my brain. I recognize when I am more susceptible to spiraling and I work hard to buffer my emotions during those times. Of all the things I've learned, what I’ve learned most is that we have to be our own advocate. We know if our thoughts and behaviors aren’t totally adding up. We know if we don’t feel normal. We have to advocate for change, and we can't be ashamed when we need help to get us there.

First Year of Teaching

This first year of teaching was incredibly hard. It was full of so much joy and also so much heartache. There were some of those "golden moments" where I realized that it was all worth it, and then there were the stressful moments in between where I questioned everything I ever believed to be true. I learned to love more fully, forgive more quickly, and listen more compassionately. I learned that sometimes you have to laugh at the stupid things in life because it is just too dang short not to. I learned that sometimes having true control in life is when we have zero control and accept it for what it is. I learned that no matter how much bribery goes down, I cannot make another human being do what I want them to do. I learned that being perfect doesn't mean you are the best and that being the best doesn't mean you are perfect. I learned that not everything gets done and that's okay. I learned that there are people in this world who are better off with me in it.

I never knew that teaching would give me so much. It gave me a reason to wake up each morning and it taught me how to persevere. My students gave me something to laugh about every single day and gave me perspective when things were falling apart.

*Some* Golden Moments

1) When my student from Brazil actually tried to speak English to get his point across and used everything possible to do so.

2) When my students wrote me letters and sang to me in Portuguese for my birthday. 

3) When I asked a student who was having a hard time, he begrudgingly acknowledged I cared for him unconditionally.

4) When the music teacher at my school arranged a beautiful performance for Teacher Appreciation week and my students shared some of the kindest words I have ever been told.

5) When I put a TON of planning into a really fun activity that ACTUALLY WORKED and every one of my students said "Thanks for planning this. It was SO much fun."

6) When I got an apology letter (or two or five) from students that made me remember why I love them

7) When the kid who has struggled all year long got a FOUR (highest score) on his SAGE writing

8) When a kid who had fallen SUPER behind turned to me and said "Thanks for making me do these missing assignments. I now realize why it's important to stay on top of my work."

9) When my students told me their favorite subject was Social Studies (because it's mine, too!)

10) When one of my "cool" students stood up for a classmate at recess without anyone pressuring him to do so and didn't tell me to get praise. He just did it.

11) When I taught my students about 9/11 and it was just about the most humbling experience of my entire life because they got it.

12) When I taught my students about mindfulness and they articulated the experience in such a beautiful way.

13) When one of students worked hard to persevere through academic difficulties.

14) When I surprised my partner teacher for her birthday by singing Happy Birthday in Portuguese

15) Any time my lesson went "better than expected"

16) Any time a parent or student reminded me that I was making a difference

17) When my students told me they would rather have me teach them than have a sub.

18) When I got stuck in a meeting and was late getting to my class after specialties, but every one of my students was in their seat reading a book quietly.

19) When the boys (who put up a big stink at the beginning) started to love my "girlie" read aloud book.

20) Every time one of my students gasped as I read out loud or BEGGED me to keep going so they could find out what happened next.

21) When my students would use a vocabulary word we learned in their daily speech.

22) That moment when I realized I genuinely love every one of my students, and not just because I'm supposed to. 

*Some* Not-So Golden Moments

1) When I came back to school after a sub and found out my kids had been SUPER naughty.

2) When I found out that students had stolen "money" from my class money jar.

3) When my students had a million and one missing assignments (oh wait, all year).

4) Every time I had to remind them to be quiet in the halls

5) When I almost passed out once because periods are the worst I was "sick"

6) When I lost my voice after Clear Creek for what seemed like an eternity (but was only 2 weeks)

7) When I resorted to caffeine to get me through day

8) When my students asked me if I was tired, but really I just hadn't bothered with mascara/ make up

9) Any time I banned anything that just straight-up annoyed me (bottle flipping, "21", dabbing, trifecta spinners, Juan, chesssss, etc.)

10) Whenever I made a student cry (whoops!)

Borderline Personality Disorder, Check ✔

Not a ton of people know that during the past year, my diagnosis has changed from depression, PTSD, and/or anxiety to Borderline Personality. It was a HUGE shock to me and took some major radical acceptance. I have known for a long time that there was something seriously wrong with me (I knew my thought processes were not "normal"), but nobody believed me or understood it. It didn't make sense that I could graduate from college, maintain relationships, get a job, and be responsible while also struggling with some serious disordered thinking. The truth is that we can't see other people's struggles on the outside. Internally, we can be a chaotic mess and yet still present an external appearance of calm and togetherness. It's a difficult place to be in when everything seems alright to the outside world, but inside you're falling apart.

For years I have been saying "I'm crazy" or "My brain doesn't work like everybody else's", but most people have come back and said "Everybody feels that way at some point" or "You're twenty, you're just figuring out who you are." People don't want to admit that "normal" people get mental illnesses because then it makes the possibility of it real for them. People want to blame someone or something for mental illnesses, but sometimes they just happen to regular people.

Borderline Personality is definitely a more severe diagnosis than say the common depression. Not that I'm trying to belittle depression, because those feelings are real and valid and are such a struggle. However, Borderline is a more complex disorder that requires a much different approach. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is an emotional disregulation disorder that makes it difficult to process and cope with emotions. What in the Hell does that mean? Yeah, I'm still figuring it out, too!

A lot of times people hear Borderline Personality Disorder and think Multiple Personality Disorder. Those are two completely different disorders. I do not have a split personality or have various versions of myself. I don't switch into another person and there aren't voices talking to me in my head. I feel for anyone in those situations, but I am not one of them. Borderline Personality Disorder has a lot to do with emotional chaos and an inability to control or process emotions in a healthy way.

Although there is a huge stigma surrounding BPD, Borderline Personality isn't an insult or character flaw, it's an emotional disorder. It can be treated through therapy to retrain thought processes and core values. People with BPD aren't emotionally stunted, instead they feel things too strongly. Instead of feeling emotions at a normal level, BPD emotional levels start higher. While a normal person might be at a 10 when they are feeling an emotion very strongly, a person with BPD starts at a 9 or a 10. Then when something happens, it sends the emotion levels off the charts and the person has a hard time coping.

Borderline Personality is a biosocial disorder meaning that it develops through a combination of biological (genetics) and environmental (life) factors. Having one factor or the other doesn't lead to Borderline. It takes the combination of the two in order for it to present itself. If you've ever taken a biology class, you have some idea of how genetics work. As far as environmental factors, Borderline Personality develops through consistent invalidation of oneself. That is a little confusing so I'll explain that a little more.

Invalidation comes when someone's thoughts or emotions are invalidated by other people, his/herself, or a combination. This can mean making feelings seem insignificant or unjustified, it can mean belittling accomplishments, or it can mean ignoring/denying an individual's needs. As someone who has always been very independent, much of my invalidation has come from myself (although there has definitely been external invalidation, too). Telling myself that crying is weak or that feeling things gets in the way of who I want to become actually led to a bigger problem. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be independent, but being independent doesn't mean turning off emotions. I have also had a lot of invalidating relationships and events in my life that have added to this overall idea of invalidation.

Other components of BPD include relationship issues, self-image problems, and can include behavior control issues. These issues also play a huge role in how I live my life. I worry about what others think of me and judge myself very harshly. I only see my flaws and don't recognize any of the positives. I question why people maintain relationships with me and in return I question why I am in them. I often get overwhelmed by people in my life and push them away, only to realize my dependency for them once it's too late. There are many instances of the "I hate you, I love you" with the same relationship in the same day or hour! Whenever I lash out and push back, I always feel shame and guilt for it. I hate it when I do it, but I haven't yet developed the skills to stop it.

BPD might sound a lot like other mental illnesses like Bipolar Disorder. One key difference between Bipolar and Borderline is that Bipolar is a period of time feeling an emotion (depressed for 2 weeks, manic for 2, depressed for 3, manic for 4, etc.), whereas Borderline can go through lots of different, intense emotions within the same day. Bipolar is also more based on chemical imbalances whereas borderline is developed through a lot of environmental factors.

***
Growing up, I always described as "dramatic". I overreacted to things that were small or insignificant, but then I went numb whenever I had to deal with anything real. When my friend Allison brought up this disorder to me last November, I thought she was crazy. As I began to read the symptoms, I started sobbing because for the first time in as long as I could remember, I felt understood. Someone, somewhere, understood exactly how I felt.

It has been the best decision for me to get treated for Borderline. Even though it is so much work, time, and money, it is worth the feeling of finally getting answers. I finally understand why I do things or why I think things. I understand my basic needs so much clearer than ever before. I didn't think my depression could be anything but depression. It didn't make sense that there could be something bigger at play. There is so much hope in finally treating the right disorder and I am grateful for the switch (even if it does involve a much more demanding and difficult treatment!).

http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml

https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Borderline-Personality-Disorder

A "Stay-In-Bed-All-Day" Day

It had been a bad day, a dark day, a sad day, a dreary day. It had been a "stay-in-bed-all-day" day. I hadn't left my room all weekend and I hadn't showered since Friday morning; it was Sunday. My roommate came in and sat on my bed, knowing not to get too close or be too far away. She asked me how I was and what was wrong. She asked me if I was ready to talk about whatever was going on inside my head. I shook my head and sat there.

She nodded and gently put her hand on my leg. For a second I couldn't breathe because my body didn't know how to react. First it was struck with fear and then calm. All the tiny little shreds of pieces felt frozen where they were, no longer floating away. You see, on most days, I feel like my body is made up of paper torn to shreds. It feels as if it is being pulled in every direction and I am trying desperately to hold it all together. But for just a second, the pulling forces stopped.

Calm sets in when the pulling forces stop. However, then the emotions start to penetrate deeper and I am no longer completely numb. The feelings start to trickle in, slowly first and then all at once. As her stroking continued, my heart pounded and I could feel the emotional chaos starting to boil over. This boiling over had been more and more frequent lately. The tears started to form and I started to lose my control. To be completely honest, I had no clue as to why the emotional confusion had settled in. I just started to break.

We talked about how I didn't think I could do it anymore. We talked about how I wasn't anything like who I wanted to be and how I had no hope of getting better. I told her of the dark and scary thoughts that had taken residence inside my mind. These thoughts that told me I was worthless, used up, invisible. I told her how I hurt myself to relieve the numbness and how I had scary thoughts of doing worse. I told her my fear that it was time for me to return to the crazy house.

We sat in my room for a bit until she had to go. She left my room and I felt nothing again. I quickly texted my friend and told her I wasn't doing well. 3 minutes later she called me and we talked it through. I felt heard and validated and no talk of the psych ward was brought up, so I was feeling pretty good. She even made me laugh a bit, which was a great change of pace.

Finally, as I was getting ready to fall asleep, Allison called. As I picked up the phone, I could feel the emotions boiling up again. She said, "Rachel, I don't want you to be afraid. I don't want you to be scared, but I need you to listen. I see a few options here for you. You can go and check into a psych ward and hope you get the help you need, you can work really hard in therapy and do everything you are told to do so you can get better. You have to commit to it and really try hard. Or, and I don't advocate for this, you can take your life. I hope you don't choose this option, but it is an option. And if you choose it, I will have to make peace with it. You know what that does to people. Carrie Ostler will always think of Drew on her birthday and so will you. And if you take your life, it will affect all of us. Your students, your family, your friends, your roommates-- even people you don't know. It changes people. But I can't stop you, so we will have to deal with the pieces..."

I cut her off there, but I'm sure she had a long speech ready for me. I quickly told her the third option wasn't an option for me and that the timing wasn't right for option number one. So, I was going to dive into option 2. We talked for a few minutes and then she brought up something new. She said she had been talking with someone about me and they said it sounded like Borderline Personality Disorder. The treatment is completely different from normal therapy. It involved intensive and continuous therapy. I wasn't sure if I believed it, but the symptoms sounded a lot like me. As she talked, I quickly googled. I read and read and felt like she was telling the truth. I started to cry, not because I was sad, but because for once there were words to the emotions I had felt for so long.

There have always been these symptoms that didn't really add up. For years now, I've been telling people how crazy I am, but everyone always thought I was being self-deprecating. To a degree, that's true. I didn't really think I was this crazy. But every time I ever mentioned that I felt crazy or out of control, people always told me that it was "normal". They always said that everyone felt that way at some time or another. All they really did was make me feel crazier for feeling crazy (a vicious cycle, I know).

Eventually, Allison and I hung up. We ended our conversation by agreeing I would bring this up at my next therapy appointment on Tuesday. I agreed to go right to sleep after hanging up (ha!). She encouraged me and propped me up enough to make it through the next few days.

I sat on my bed and cried. As I sat there, my emotions were uncontrollable. I couldn't sit still or be in my room one more second. I stood up and walked out to my living room to where my two roommates were watching a movie, visibly shaking. I apologized for interrupting and asked to talk with them. They immediately pushed pause as I paced around our front room. My hands shook and I choked on my sobs, but I couldn't control it. I tried to channel the extra anxiety by tapping my fingers repeatedly. All the while, my roommates stared at me as I broke down completely.

Finally, amidst the sobs, I confessed Allison's theory... a theory I was slowly starting to believe myself. The more I talked, the more I believed it was true. They didn't say too much other than nod and reassure me. Eventually I sat down on the arm of the couch in an attempt to re-shackle my emotional distress. My roommate continued to stroke my leg to calm my shaking self. My left leg was shaking uncontrollably and she held it down at my knee.

The looks on their faces were full of concern and pity as they realized the magnitude of what I was saying. They recognized that if this was true, my issues were much deeper rooted and it was going to be a long road. Even though everything was crashing down around me, another part of me finally started to feel rooted. Validating this crazy mess that had become my life seemed to cause the beast to be tamed, even momentarily. I would later learn that validating the irrational allows reason to permeate our minds.

For once, I felt relief. The normal ways of coping with typical mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc.) weren't working. I felt defeated whenever I slipped back into these dark holes. If this theory was right (which it was in case you didn't figure that one out), then there was a reason. Instead of feeling like a failure for getting myself back into the dark and twisties, I had hope. It wasn't a lot, but just enough to get me out of bed every day. It gave me the strength to keep going, keep trying. That hope is what I hold onto every day when it hurts to breathe, hurts to move, hurts to think. I remind myself of the rock bottoms. I remind myself that I am more than this moment of hurt and darkness. It's not a lot, but it's enough.

***
I was officially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder that very week. I've been in therapy and getting treated for it for the past 3 months. Already I feel that I understand myself more in 3 months than I had in the previous 23 years.

How J.K. Rowling and Harry Potter Gave Me Strength

Four years ago I was scrolling through inspiration quotes on my Pinterest feed. Most of them related to Harry Potter because I am a complete Potter nerd (and proud!). I came across an interview with J.K. Rowling about her inspiration for dementors. She proudly declared their origins were with her personal battle with depression. At a time when I was desperately trying to wrap my brain around my recent depression diagnosis, I was speechless. Everything I knew about depression had changed. Someone who I had looked up to my entire life not only battled it herself, but invented a creature based on the vile illness.

I thought about the successes that JK had had throughout her life in spite of her illness. For the first time, I realized that I could be something more than my illness. For the first time, I realized that maybe there was a purpose for me, that maybe there was something I could do or become. It gave me hope in a time where all I could see was darkness.

As I battled my mental illness, I took great comfort in Harry Potter. I read the books over and over to distract my brain from the dark twisted thoughts that had taken residence inside. Quotes by Albus Dumbledore like "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light" continually roamed about my head. There was strength in knowing I was not alone and that I could escape through a magical world.

Three years ago, I found myself scrolling through Pinterest again. My world was once again upside-down and I was worse than ever before. I had to make the hardest decision of my life. I voluntarily admitted myself into a psychiatric facility because I couldn't function safely in the outside world. As I was crying and debating this decision, I came across a quote by JK herself: "Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I built my life". As I thought about this quote and my imminent destination, I realized this was not an end, but a beginning. The next day, I boarded a plane to check myself in, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in hand. I read that book 3 times during my 5-day stay.

After being released, that quote became a personal mantra. Whenever I doubted myself or wondered if I could do it, the quote gave me peace of mind. When I felt like giving up or giving in, I thought about the magical world millions of people would be missing out on if Rowling had given up, too. There were so many moments where I didn't feel like I could do anything more. I can vividly remember a time where going to the grocery store seemed like a herculean task. That mantra gave me strength to get out of bed on days when all I wanted to do was disappear.

Since then I have graduated from college, I have accepted and started a wonderful job, and life continues to be difficult. This year I returned to therapy to help manage stubborn symptoms. To my surprise, my diagnosis changed from that of depression to Borderline Personality Disorder. Immediately, I felt crazier than ever. I had accepted depression, embraced it even. I had overcome so much and now my crazy was infinitely crazier.

It has only been a few weeks since I was diagnosed and I have started to feel calmer about the situation. However, I have only been more and more inspired by the magical world. Last week, I finally had a chance to see Fantastic Beasts. With my job and getting ready for Thanksgiving, I hadn't had time until now. I sat in my seat, riveted by the creatures and characters. I wasn't even mad at all that there was no mention of Harry Potter. I was entranced.

As I learned about the creature, Obscurus, my heart began to break and tears welled up. This was what I was waiting for. I know, I know. The Obscurus is supposed to represent what our culture does when we force gay people to stay in the closet. Awesome. I get it, I support it, I'm a fan of it. Way to go, J.K.! But for me, it was something else. For me, it was the representation of BPD that I had been longing for. I felt like I could finally understand it because I could see it. BPD can have many different causes, but a huge one is that of abuse. The denial of emotional support and love can lead to warped sense of trust and emotional stability. The instability leads to outbursts of anger and lashing out at loved ones. BPD also manifests as a dissociation of oneself. Poor Credence suffered from unending abuse that caused him to repress his magic. This repression built into a creature with immense strength and power. Eventually, Credence would lose control and he would dissociate from his human self. During the dissociation, his Obscurus would lash out and cause destruction.

The obscurials struck a chord with me. It rang true and I felt understood. I felt okay. I felt empathy towards Credence as I watched him struggle to accept himself. I felt myself feel whole for a short time as I finally felt acceptance for who I am. I finally started to feel okay with who I could become.

J.K. Rowling has played a part in helping me accept myself and make sense of the insensible. She has inspired me and continues to inspire me as I grow to understand myself. Her strength and beautiful depiction of life's realities and heartaches make it easier for me to keep going.