The Roommates

I was nervously sitting in my room waiting for my roommate, Melissa, to come home from school. I don't know why I was scared to tell her that I was leaving because she knew about my depression already. She finally came in and noticed I hadn't gone to class and that I was basically just a hot mess. She sort of stood there and looked at me before saying anything. "Rachel, did you not have class?" I turned and took a deep breath. I proceeded to tell her what was happening and how I was probably going to be gone for the next month or so. A little shocked, she started to cry and just nodded her head. We talked and cried as she folded laundry. Melissa and I have this strange obsession with Haagen Das Dulce de Lece ice cream and we only allowed ourselves to eat one a month. She came in with her half-eaten container and said, "You need this more than I do." We cried and laughed and I rambled out as much advice as I could. Almost every night, the two of us would talk about our day and discuss any problems or irritations. I couldn't leave without giving her my two cents on anything and everything that could possibly arise during the next month or so.

After a while, our other roommate Bekah came home and I prepared myself for another emotional disclosure. As I often did, I walked into her room and snuggled up with her on her bed. "Bekah- Babe, I'm leaving. I might leave tonight, maybe tomorrow. I'm getting on a plane to California and I don't know when I'll be back. Probably not for at least a month..." Silence. I knew she was crying because I could feel her body tremble. Slowly she asked, "Rae-bae, where are you going? Is everything okay?" Deep breath. "Bekah, I don't know. I hope it will be. I'm... I'm going to go check into a psych ward. My life is sort of falling apart and I don't know what else to do." We lay on that bed for a long time just crying together. It had been a while since I had cried like that and once the tears started, it seemed impossible to stop. But unlike times before where I cried by myself in the privacy of my own room, we cried together.

***

Later that day as I walked into my room to begin packing, I noticed something strange on my desk. A bag of goldfish from my fourth roommate, Natalie, next to a bag of Lindor truffles (my favorite!), a pink flower, and a card from Bekah. I was touched at their thoughtfulness. I sat on my floor and tried to quickly compile pictures and mementos I knew I would want with me. My constant flow of tears refused to subside. Melissa walked into our room and walked over to her wall of pictures. On it were posters and pictures of special moments or people. She pulled a picture off the wall of the two of us and gave it to me. Tears streamed down her face as she said, "Rachel, take this with you. I want you to remember me when you're in there." My heart melted. She helped me get my pictures together as I continued to pack up my clothes.

While packing, someone knocked on my front door. A girl in my ward was stopping by (coincidentally) to drop a candy bar off to me. Embarrassed by my red, puffy cheeks, I shyly walked out to greet her. She immediately knew something was wrong and I proceeded to explain the situation. She hugged me and wished me luck. About a half an hour later, another friend of mine stopped by with a bag of cookies and said "I heard you're leaving, can I help you with anything?" I declined her offer, but was touched by how generous and thoughtful these people were being. It made leaving a little bit harder, but it also felt good to know that they were on my side.

***

After I finished packing, I was exhausted. As a last hurrah, my roommates and I decided to make a quick drive through Inn N Out. We drove and ate and laughed, and I forgot for a few moments that I was preparing to check into a psych ward. The thing about my amazing roommates is that despite my "craziness", they were exceptionally supportive of me and never made me feel stupid or worthless for checking in. They never looked down on me or treated me any differently. They loved me and supported me and just wanted me to be happy. It wasn't easy, but because of their support, it wasn't harder. As I've been reflecting on this experience along with many experiences since, I've come to realize how important it is to have people in your life. Everyone goes through periods of despair (some of them last longer than others!), but if we help each other out, it makes it so much easier. Sometimes people get stuck up and look down on others, but I've come to realize that it is because they just don't understand. We all struggle with something. None of us are perfect. We all have hard times and weaknesses; it's what makes us human. But when we embrace this concept and embrace help from others, we become so much stronger than we could have ever been on our own. One of the biggest lessons I learned in 2014 is that it is okay that I am not always okay. It's okay when I'm okay, but it is also okay when I am not okay. We aren't meant to be perfect, and that is perfectly okay.