After my initial posts, I had an amazing response from friends and strangers alike. It has definitely opened up the doors for some incredible conversations. One such conversation was with my amazing friend, Sammi. She turned to me and asked, "Rach, what would you want people to know who have never experienced depression or a mental illness? What do you think they should know?" I stood there a little thrown. I've talked to people about meds, psych wards, thought processes, and tendencies. I have never had to answer that question before. I didn't have a response. I've thought about that a lot since then. What do I want people to know?
First and foremost, it's a battle within yourself. I think everyone has had some period in their life where they have had a sort of inner turmoil. A debate or battle that takes place inside your mind. That's the closest thing I can think of to compare it to. You have these spiraling thoughts that don't make sense at all. The thoughts tell you that you aren't good enough, that so-and-so actually thinks you're a piece of sh*t, and that you don't deserve x,y, or z. They come from a place inside of you, but they just appear one day. All of the terrible things people have ever said to you go through your mind over and over and over in a never-ending cycle until you internalize them. You believe them.
Sometimes those thoughts are so tangible. I can vividly remember this one time where I was laying in my bed crying as I texted back and forth with my friend, Allison. We were discussing my thoughts and it was going well until suddenly it wasn't. Like a lightswitch, I took everything she said the wrong way. I ignored her, I sassed her, and I said things I really didn't mean. This was neither the first nor last time I reacted in this way. Well, there was a catalyst to that lightswitch. Just like the lights in a room don't just turn on automatically, something has to flip the switch. For me that night it was this very real thought that was almost a voice. No, I was not hearing voices. But the thought was so direct and vivid that it almost seemed like it. "Rachel, she doesn't really care. You are wasting her time and she doesn't want to hear it anymore. She doesn't understand you and she never will. All you are doing is dragging her through the mud. You are dumping all of your problems on her and are just a burden. Stop talking to her." And within seconds, I believed it. I stopped texting her and I stopped responding until I finally just said, "K thanks goodnight." Luckily, she knew me SO well. She told me goodnight and that she loved me, but she waited until the next morning to reason with me. I woke up that morning to a text saying, "Rach, did you believe me last night when I said I loved you? Because I meant it. And I could tell that you were getting irritated" (She said irritated, my other friend Michelle would call it my sass, my roommates call it crazy brain. I tend to call it the dark and twisties. Either way, it all means the same thing). After getting some sleep and getting a fresh day's perspective on the conversation, I realized that I had been misinterpreting what she was saying. I had let those doubting thoughts get the better of me.
Also, it's important to recognize that every case is SO different. The things that worked for me might not work for someone else. You won't have a fix-all solution for someone. And it's really frustrating for us when you think you do have all the answers. "Rachel, are you getting any exercise? That really helps." Yeah, I know. I try to work out 5-6 days a week (and if I'm really crazy, every day), thank you. Because it does help. But it doesn't always fix it. More importantly, when I am in the pit, I don't feel like getting out of bed and going for a run. Sometimes it's LIT-ER-ALL-Y impossible to move. It's an accomplishment when I have enough energy to get up and brush my teeth. It's like being sick with the flu for weeks on end. Your body aches, your brain is foggy and numb, and you don't want to do anything. Don't try to fix us. Just be there for us. Love us.
One of the biggest things for me was learning to be honest about my thoughts and feelings. You could ask my friend, Allison. Holy cow. It was like pulling teeth. One of the most helpful things for me is to talk out what is getting stuck in my head. Allison is all about the analogies. I love that about her. She can come up with an analogy for anything. Her analogy for this is a clogged toilet. You can try all you want to flush it out, but you have to unclog it first or it just sits there and starts to reek. You can't progress if you don't unclog that toilet of a brain of yours. So, sitting and talking it out with someone really helps me. That's hard, though, because that means I need someone who is willing to sit and listen. I don't usually need someone to constantly comment or try to fix me (see above paragraph). I just need someone to be there. I need someone who cares enough about me to be willing to watch me struggle with the words and the thoughts. I really have to focus and work in order to express what goes on. I have a good friend, Michelle, who has definitely been one of those people in my life. We will go for drives and sit in awkward silence until I find the words to express what is clogging my brain. If it is anywhere near as awkward for her as it is for me, I AM SO SORRY. But it has really helped me.
Number one, above all else, we need people who are understanding and patient. Holy cow I slip up so much. I mess up, I fall back into destructive thoughts, and I make mistakes that shouldn't be happening. But they do happen. There is no point in getting mad or yelling at me. That just makes me feel worse. More than likely, the person already hates him/herself for getting back into that position. Don't judge me. Even though I 100% believe we have the ability to choose our actions, behaviors, and thoughts, it doesn't mean it isn't hard. I completely understand people who are alcoholic bums. Does it mean that I want that for myself? Of course not! But I get it and I don't hate them for it. Please, be patient with us. We are trying the best we know how, even if (more often than not) it seems like we are being purposefully destructive. Retraining the way you think and act is difficult stuff. That's the problem with a brain disease. You have to change the control center of your body. Your brain controls everything. Your thoughts, your actions, etc. How disconcerting is it to have to be mistrustful of your own thoughts, to second guess them? I can tell you: very. Every time a thought enters my mind I have to think "Where is this coming from? Is this coming from my crazy brain or my rational brain? Is this a good thought or a bad thought? Will I be proud of this decision in the morning? If so-and-so was here, would I be willing to do it in front of them?" That last reasoning statement is HUGE for me. I wouldn't want to do half of my destructive tendencies in front of another person. So if I can get myself to the point that I recognize I would be ashamed if they were standing right next to me, I can usually talk myself out of it. The more I practice this, the better I get. I have gotten a LOT better at recognizing the crazy. I'm at the point where I can be in the middle of it and think "Rach, this is your crazy talking. Stop it. Stop the crazy. You don't mean any of the things you are thinking/saying/doing." It helps. It's been a LONG, painfully slow process. And I wouldn't have been able to do it without the people in my life who have helped me along the way. There have been so many people standing there next to me waiting to pick up the pieces when I crash. That has helped me recover so much faster. I can also tell you that it would have been so easy for my friends to leave after the 20th, 30th, 500th time of falling down. But, I have been blessed with patient friends.
That was a random tangent, but that's fine. Essentially, I just want people to realize that it isn't easy. I didn't say it isn't possible, but it definitely isn't easy. It takes work. And time. And love. And restarting. And more work. And more time. And more love. So, please.
Be patient with us.
Number one, above all else, we need people who are understanding and patient. Holy cow I slip up so much. I mess up, I fall back into destructive thoughts, and I make mistakes that shouldn't be happening. But they do happen. There is no point in getting mad or yelling at me. That just makes me feel worse. More than likely, the person already hates him/herself for getting back into that position. Don't judge me. Even though I 100% believe we have the ability to choose our actions, behaviors, and thoughts, it doesn't mean it isn't hard. I completely understand people who are alcoholic bums. Does it mean that I want that for myself? Of course not! But I get it and I don't hate them for it. Please, be patient with us. We are trying the best we know how, even if (more often than not) it seems like we are being purposefully destructive. Retraining the way you think and act is difficult stuff. That's the problem with a brain disease. You have to change the control center of your body. Your brain controls everything. Your thoughts, your actions, etc. How disconcerting is it to have to be mistrustful of your own thoughts, to second guess them? I can tell you: very. Every time a thought enters my mind I have to think "Where is this coming from? Is this coming from my crazy brain or my rational brain? Is this a good thought or a bad thought? Will I be proud of this decision in the morning? If so-and-so was here, would I be willing to do it in front of them?" That last reasoning statement is HUGE for me. I wouldn't want to do half of my destructive tendencies in front of another person. So if I can get myself to the point that I recognize I would be ashamed if they were standing right next to me, I can usually talk myself out of it. The more I practice this, the better I get. I have gotten a LOT better at recognizing the crazy. I'm at the point where I can be in the middle of it and think "Rach, this is your crazy talking. Stop it. Stop the crazy. You don't mean any of the things you are thinking/saying/doing." It helps. It's been a LONG, painfully slow process. And I wouldn't have been able to do it without the people in my life who have helped me along the way. There have been so many people standing there next to me waiting to pick up the pieces when I crash. That has helped me recover so much faster. I can also tell you that it would have been so easy for my friends to leave after the 20th, 30th, 500th time of falling down. But, I have been blessed with patient friends.
That was a random tangent, but that's fine. Essentially, I just want people to realize that it isn't easy. I didn't say it isn't possible, but it definitely isn't easy. It takes work. And time. And love. And restarting. And more work. And more time. And more love. So, please.
Be patient with us.
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