Not a ton of people know that during the past year, my diagnosis has changed from depression, PTSD, and/or anxiety to Borderline Personality. It was a HUGE shock to me and took some major radical acceptance. I have known for a long time that there was something seriously wrong with me (I knew my thought processes were not "normal"), but nobody believed me or understood it. It didn't make sense that I could graduate from college, maintain relationships, get a job, and be responsible while also struggling with some serious disordered thinking. The truth is that we can't see other people's struggles on the outside. Internally, we can be a chaotic mess and yet still present an external appearance of calm and togetherness. It's a difficult place to be in when everything seems alright to the outside world, but inside you're falling apart.
For years I have been saying "I'm crazy" or "My brain doesn't work like everybody else's", but most people have come back and said "Everybody feels that way at some point" or "You're twenty, you're just figuring out who you are." People don't want to admit that "normal" people get mental illnesses because then it makes the possibility of it real for them. People want to blame someone or something for mental illnesses, but sometimes they just happen to regular people.
Borderline Personality is definitely a more severe diagnosis than say the common depression. Not that I'm trying to belittle depression, because those feelings are real and valid and are such a struggle. However, Borderline is a more complex disorder that requires a much different approach. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is an emotional disregulation disorder that makes it difficult to process and cope with emotions. What in the Hell does that mean? Yeah, I'm still figuring it out, too!
A lot of times people hear Borderline Personality Disorder and think Multiple Personality Disorder. Those are two completely different disorders. I do not have a split personality or have various versions of myself. I don't switch into another person and there aren't voices talking to me in my head. I feel for anyone in those situations, but I am not one of them. Borderline Personality Disorder has a lot to do with emotional chaos and an inability to control or process emotions in a healthy way.
Although there is a huge stigma surrounding BPD, Borderline Personality isn't an insult or character flaw, it's an emotional disorder. It can be treated through therapy to retrain thought processes and core values. People with BPD aren't emotionally stunted, instead they feel things too strongly. Instead of feeling emotions at a normal level, BPD emotional levels start higher. While a normal person might be at a 10 when they are feeling an emotion very strongly, a person with BPD starts at a 9 or a 10. Then when something happens, it sends the emotion levels off the charts and the person has a hard time coping.
Borderline Personality is a biosocial disorder meaning that it develops through a combination of biological (genetics) and environmental (life) factors. Having one factor or the other doesn't lead to Borderline. It takes the combination of the two in order for it to present itself. If you've ever taken a biology class, you have some idea of how genetics work. As far as environmental factors, Borderline Personality develops through consistent invalidation of oneself. That is a little confusing so I'll explain that a little more.
Invalidation comes when someone's thoughts or emotions are invalidated by other people, his/herself, or a combination. This can mean making feelings seem insignificant or unjustified, it can mean belittling accomplishments, or it can mean ignoring/denying an individual's needs. As someone who has always been very independent, much of my invalidation has come from myself (although there has definitely been external invalidation, too). Telling myself that crying is weak or that feeling things gets in the way of who I want to become actually led to a bigger problem. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be independent, but being independent doesn't mean turning off emotions. I have also had a lot of invalidating relationships and events in my life that have added to this overall idea of invalidation.
Other components of BPD include relationship issues, self-image problems, and can include behavior control issues. These issues also play a huge role in how I live my life. I worry about what others think of me and judge myself very harshly. I only see my flaws and don't recognize any of the positives. I question why people maintain relationships with me and in return I question why I am in them. I often get overwhelmed by people in my life and push them away, only to realize my dependency for them once it's too late. There are many instances of the "I hate you, I love you" with the same relationship in the same day or hour! Whenever I lash out and push back, I always feel shame and guilt for it. I hate it when I do it, but I haven't yet developed the skills to stop it.
BPD might sound a lot like other mental illnesses like Bipolar Disorder. One key difference between Bipolar and Borderline is that Bipolar is a period of time feeling an emotion (depressed for 2 weeks, manic for 2, depressed for 3, manic for 4, etc.), whereas Borderline can go through lots of different, intense emotions within the same day. Bipolar is also more based on chemical imbalances whereas borderline is developed through a lot of environmental factors.
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Growing up, I always described as "dramatic". I overreacted to things that were small or insignificant, but then I went numb whenever I had to deal with anything real. When my friend Allison brought up this disorder to me last November, I thought she was crazy. As I began to read the symptoms, I started sobbing because for the first time in as long as I could remember, I felt understood. Someone, somewhere, understood exactly how I felt.
It has been the best decision for me to get treated for Borderline. Even though it is so much work, time, and money, it is worth the feeling of finally getting answers. I finally understand why I do things or why I think things. I understand my basic needs so much clearer than ever before. I didn't think my depression could be anything but depression. It didn't make sense that there could be something bigger at play. There is so much hope in finally treating the right disorder and I am grateful for the switch (even if it does involve a much more demanding and difficult treatment!).
http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml
https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Borderline-Personality-Disorder
