Four years ago I was scrolling through inspiration quotes on my Pinterest feed. Most of them related to Harry Potter because I am a complete Potter nerd (and proud!). I came across an interview with J.K. Rowling about her inspiration for dementors. She proudly declared their origins were with her personal battle with depression. At a time when I was desperately trying to wrap my brain around my recent depression diagnosis, I was speechless. Everything I knew about depression had changed. Someone who I had looked up to my entire life not only battled it herself, but invented a creature based on the vile illness.
I thought about the successes that JK had had throughout her life in spite of her illness. For the first time, I realized that I could be something more than my illness. For the first time, I realized that maybe there was a purpose for me, that maybe there was something I could do or become. It gave me hope in a time where all I could see was darkness.
As I battled my mental illness, I took great comfort in Harry Potter. I read the books over and over to distract my brain from the dark twisted thoughts that had taken residence inside. Quotes by Albus Dumbledore like "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light" continually roamed about my head. There was strength in knowing I was not alone and that I could escape through a magical world.
Three years ago, I found myself scrolling through Pinterest again. My world was once again upside-down and I was worse than ever before. I had to make the hardest decision of my life. I voluntarily admitted myself into a psychiatric facility because I couldn't function safely in the outside world. As I was crying and debating this decision, I came across a quote by JK herself: "Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I built my life". As I thought about this quote and my imminent destination, I realized this was not an end, but a beginning. The next day, I boarded a plane to check myself in, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in hand. I read that book 3 times during my 5-day stay.
After being released, that quote became a personal mantra. Whenever I doubted myself or wondered if I could do it, the quote gave me peace of mind. When I felt like giving up or giving in, I thought about the magical world millions of people would be missing out on if Rowling had given up, too. There were so many moments where I didn't feel like I could do anything more. I can vividly remember a time where going to the grocery store seemed like a herculean task. That mantra gave me strength to get out of bed on days when all I wanted to do was disappear.
Since then I have graduated from college, I have accepted and started a wonderful job, and life continues to be difficult. This year I returned to therapy to help manage stubborn symptoms. To my surprise, my diagnosis changed from that of depression to Borderline Personality Disorder. Immediately, I felt crazier than ever. I had accepted depression, embraced it even. I had overcome so much and now my crazy was infinitely crazier.
It has only been a few weeks since I was diagnosed and I have started to feel calmer about the situation. However, I have only been more and more inspired by the magical world. Last week, I finally had a chance to see Fantastic Beasts. With my job and getting ready for Thanksgiving, I hadn't had time until now. I sat in my seat, riveted by the creatures and characters. I wasn't even mad at all that there was no mention of Harry Potter. I was entranced.
As I learned about the creature, Obscurus, my heart began to break and tears welled up. This was what I was waiting for. I know, I know. The Obscurus is supposed to represent what our culture does when we force gay people to stay in the closet. Awesome. I get it, I support it, I'm a fan of it. Way to go, J.K.! But for me, it was something else. For me, it was the representation of BPD that I had been longing for. I felt like I could finally understand it because I could see it. BPD can have many different causes, but a huge one is that of abuse. The denial of emotional support and love can lead to warped sense of trust and emotional stability. The instability leads to outbursts of anger and lashing out at loved ones. BPD also manifests as a dissociation of oneself. Poor Credence suffered from unending abuse that caused him to repress his magic. This repression built into a creature with immense strength and power. Eventually, Credence would lose control and he would dissociate from his human self. During the dissociation, his Obscurus would lash out and cause destruction.
The obscurials struck a chord with me. It rang true and I felt understood. I felt okay. I felt empathy towards Credence as I watched him struggle to accept himself. I felt myself feel whole for a short time as I finally felt acceptance for who I am. I finally started to feel okay with who I could become.
J.K. Rowling has played a part in helping me accept myself and make sense of the insensible. She has inspired me and continues to inspire me as I grow to understand myself. Her strength and beautiful depiction of life's realities and heartaches make it easier for me to keep going.
